


if you leave a light on, then i'll leave a light on

by JannP



Category: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 02:30:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17438207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JannP/pseuds/JannP
Summary: The only thing she’s always wanted is to keep moving forward, to avoid being stuck, to keep progressing.  It’s just on a wider scale now.  There’s a saying about worlds and oysters, and she doesn’t eat oysters anyway obviously, but the concept is appealing.  (Set at the end of Season 02, probably AU.)





	if you leave a light on, then i'll leave a light on

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I own nothing. This is purely because, as much as I love Amy Sherman-Palladino's writing and shows and characters, I always struggle with her take on the dichotomies of personal and professional success for women. I have a different point of view, and just a need sometimes to throw these things out there to say it's possible to progress even if you're in a relationship, to keep growing professionally and set new goals even though you have a partner at home.
> 
> That being said, I love the tone and quality of this show and I sincerely hope it feels IC and whoever reads enjoys. I'm never totally comfortable going for it in a new genre, so please let me know if I did okay. 
> 
> Title and inspiration from "Light On" by Maggie Rogers.

* * *

 

  **if you leave the light on, then i'll leave the light on**

It’s not as simple as saying ‘ _this is what I’ve always wanted’_.Nothing she has now is something she ‘always wanted' because the last year-plus has been so full of changes, so full of shifting wants and increasing clarity.It not only affects what she wants, sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis, but it affects who she wants to rely on. 

Part of it, she thinks, is because of the way ‘who she wants’ informs who she is.Sometimes the subtle details get lost, overrun in the details of who she is to different people.While Sophie Lennon was mostly terrible, she had a point about stage persona and keeping those things separate from personal persona.It wasn’t exactly the plan, but Midge feels as though she can take on the world in a little black dress and pearls, so that’s become who she is to the public.The women who ask for autographs, the men who push her off a stage or try to override and diminish her — to them she’s a motor mouth in a little black dress.She’s okay with it.Actually, scratch that, she thinks it's _great_. 

To Susie, she’s a mealticket and maybe possibly something resembling a friend.Susie thinks (knows) she needs a swift kick in the ass sometimes to redirect her frenetic motion, to help her focus on the end goal. But in some strange way, they’ve found their balance.They aren’t exactly equals, only because they’re very different and it's comparing apples and oranges, but they _work_.  They have a respect for one another.She doesn’t want anything else.She wants to tell Susie first, wants to save as often as she’s saved, and at some point, Midge is sure of where that will shake out.She knows where she stands with Susie. 

To Ethan and Esther, she’s mommy.To Abe and Rose, Papa and Mama, she’s a daughter, somehow still a child though she has children on her own.To Noah, and even Astrid, she’s a mostly tertiary family member.She’s self-centered, in their minds, even though she tries so hard for those who will let her try for them.None of them were allowed to see, for a variety of reasons, the heartbreak and self-doubt of the last year.Without seeing it, they don’t know how it’s shaped her into this new person.They don’t know how it shaped what she needs and what she wants.Even Imogene, with her slightly better perspective, sees her as a woman who needs and deserves a husband, to be taken care of rather than to be pursuing a career goal instead of three by thirty. 

They don’t know how it’s all shaped who she wants, because those things have all changed. 

She isn’t entirely sure who she is to Joel these days.At turns, she’s been a partner in crime (not literally), a source of pride, a source of embarrassment, gullible and naïve, a damsel in distress.Most days she’s probably somewhere caught between all those things.She isn’t sure Joel knows what he thinks, either.It probably changes, but lately it’s seemed more like it vacillates through supportive territory rather than the ‘ _I can’t do this_ ’ of last year and several months ago.Those are two different ‘ _I can’t’s_ for those keeping track at home; one was devastating, and one was devastating but understandable so at least he’s moving forward.

To Benjamin, she’s a lot of wide open possibilities, fascinating and unpredictable in a safe way.He’s the same for her.That makes it sound boring, and it's not, it just means there's a trust there.He’s confident and stable and she’s _positive_ he won't leave or have a crisis of faith in himself with her as the main casualty.She thought she had him pegged when he wouldn’t row, but she can admit she was wrong and it all fits and it’s comfortable and a life of laughter and she can see clearly what it _might_ be, but she doesn’t _know_ and she’s okay with that.But they don’t have the history that keeps her more impulsive moments grounded in reality.That would probably take time and children and things they just don’t _have._ She never feels like he wants to run away or wants anything more from her than she’s willing to give.She never feels like she’s too much for him to handle, like he’s in over his head. 

She should’ve seen the signs of it with Joel, but she didn’t because all she could see was the fact that he’s a good person, in his intentions at least if not in actual practice all the time.Plus she loves him and will always be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.She knows on some level what the overwhelmed signs look like now, the ones Joel was giving off if she'd been paying attention, and Benjamin doesn’t show any of those things.She’s been honest with him from the beginning, too. In the case of that relationship, it helps that she started being honest with herself first. 

Then again, maybe she’s the one who’s overwhelmed.The tour, the real one, is happening so fast.It’s a relief to let out seams a little because she needs the room to grow, but with the way things are working out, it feels like she has to _choose_ , and it feels like the choice is clear: move forward, not backward.Getting married again, even a second wedding with a champagne dress and scrambled eggs, is moving back.She’s been there, she’s done that, and she doesn’t necessarily want to go back. 

The only thing she’s always wanted is to keep moving forward, to avoid being stuck, to keep progressing.It’s just on a wider scale now.There’s a saying about worlds and oysters, and she doesn’t eat oysters anyway obviously, but the concept is appealing.

* * *

She tells Susie first and shops second because she has those priorities straight.And she needs Susie to shop, so it seems most productive to go about it in that order.

Going to Joel third is a little questionable, but it’s comfortable and she’s been pushed so far out of her comfort zone so many times in the last year, she thinks maybe that’s the explanation. Her parents push back, don't understand, only sort of support.Maybe she doesn't do a solid job explaining all the time, but she doesn’t think they listen either, and that’s part of the problem.For all the things Joel has done and has been, he’s always listened.He may not have liked what she was saying, may not have been able to accommodate everything she’s needed, and may not have understood entirely, but it’s not a perfect science and at least he's tried.That automatically makes that relationship unlike any other she's got. 

After her confession and the way he slid her toward him for a kiss, all too familiar and exactly what she wanted, he steps back.She’s seen him dancing with others, knows he lived with one for a brief moment, so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility he’s moved on.She hadn’t even thought of that before she showed up, needy, and spoke.She usually doesn’t think before she speaks, so the feeling is nothing new.She keeps her head up. 

But in the moment he steps back, she thinks. 

“So, who’s this ‘friend of Mommy’s’?” He asks.He’s at least trying to look like the question doesn’t kill him, but he’s failing.She isn’t going to point that out.Not while their hands are still linked and his thumb is rubbing back and forth. 

“He isn’t my secretary,” she retorts.He drops her hand and steps back again and, if one thing just became clear to her, it’s that this isn’t going to happen.She isn’t completely sure she wants it to happen anyway, now. It’s not something she’s always wanted.It’s something she wanted long enough to end up in his doorway and now she isn’t so sure.She clears her throat, head still up, eyes still focused on him.“His name is Benjamin.He hasn’t actually met the children, in spite of what Ethan said.But he _has_ met my father and provided him with all the proof there is that he could…” 

“You’re right, he _isn’t_ your secretary,” Joel points out, and the subtleties of his inflection aren’t lost on her.He attaches words to them anyway.Even though she didn’t say the words, he knows her and society well enough to know where she was headed. “He’s _more_.”

“He’s a fantasy,” she dismisses.“A life that I would’ve wanted, before I wanted all this, maybe, but not now.I can’t have both.”

They’re both shaking their heads, and she thinks maybe in a lot of ways, it’s the first time they’re on the same page about something like this.Because where she was a nod and a ‘you can do it’, he was a head shake and a mess of insecurity and doubt.This time, they’re both saying no without actually saying it. 

“Just because you can’t have it with me doesn’t mean you can’t have it.You can do anything you set your mind to, Midge.You can have anything you want, you just gotta figure out what that is.”He finally looks away and he’s still shaking his head and she is uncharacteristically speechless.“Sometimes I can’t believe the words comin’ outta my mouth.But you need to go talk about this with him.Because he’s not just your friend.And because you’re too good to be a cheater.” 

It isn’t her job to prop him up, to bolster him — not anymore.He cheated on her, he left her, and he turned her entire life upside down.But at the very least, he’s her friend and she knows he loves her even if he can’t quite handle her.He can’t even handle himself and he’s doing the best he can.It’s one of his more respectable moments, actually, even if it’s so loaded with self-deprecation it breaks her heart.She loved him, loves him still even if it’s in a different way now, and he can’t seem to love himself.He might be one of the more heartbreaking people she’s ever met, and she’s known some doozies. 

“He wants to get married,” she points out, incapable of leaving it unspoken because they are words and they matter. 

“I know,” Joel says on a hollow chuckle.“But you taught me that all being married means is someone is in your corner.It doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers.It doesn’t mean you can’t fail.It just means you have someone to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay.You just gotta be strong enough to accept that support.The other stuff… those are details and if anyone can negotiate the details they want, it’s you.Just take him a brisket and toss him a smile and he’ll be lost.” 

“Why is the brisket first in those suggestions?”She presses her hand, the one he dropped, onto her hip and fixes him with her not-so-stern almost-glare.

His smile is more genuine, but he tries real hard to keep his lips over his teeth so it doesn’t show.She can tell by the spark in his eyes it’s all real, though.“Because your smile could use some work, but your brisket is always perfect.”

Her chin drops toward her chest and her eyebrows go higher. “Is that so?” 

He shakes his head.“No,” he replies.“But if you think I’m gonna suggest anything else, you’re dreamin’.” 

She leaves a red mark on his cheek with the rest of her lipstick.He promises to call and make more parent-heavy arrangements for their children while she’s gone.She knows he at least won’t let the children forget her, she trusts that he will look after them and be their father, and that’s enough.

Maybe that is the reassurance she was looking for. 

* * *

The debate rages on as she rides in a cab.She usually likes to chat with her cab driver, especially during the ride from the Maisel and Roth factory to the Upper West Side, because it’s a bit of a jaunt, but she stays silent. 

The inside of her head does not. 

She hates the constant idea that she needs a man by her side.She hates that she’s had to play the game, relying on Joel or Lenny to bail her out in different ways specifically because they have a dick so that means society (and other men) deem them worthy.Neither of them have made it hard on her when she does, but she hates the necessity of it.And really, whether she needs a man, a husband, or not, is moot at this point.She’s got one (three and a half, because sometimes her father and occasionally her brother are also involved), and that’s just the way it is.Besides, maybe even if she doesn’t need one, maybe she _wants_ one. 

Maybe there’s one _in particular_ she wants. 

She can be honest with him and she already knows this.He’s seen her without makeup, he’s seen her perform, and she’s never had to apologize when he’s with her and her mouth gets carried away. Saying you know someone ‘warts and all’ is an ugly saying, and she’s absolutely positive she doesn’t have warts at all, but the symbolism of it is there.He doesn’t think she’s perfect, but he finds her spectacular, and she loves that he used that word to describe her.He doesn’t give his words away, not like she does, and so she’s treasured that.She feels naked, in all of the good ways, and accepted.He makes her _feel_ spectacular, and he doesn’t ask her to change.At least, he hasn’t yet.But she has some questions.And she needs some lipstick, which she manages in spite of the less-than-ideal circumstances for application.She feels a little more sorted, a little more right, once she has her lips back. 

Right about the moment her cab has left and she’s standing outside his home, with all of its very nice but currently very dark windows, she thinks maybe she should have called.Other than the park, and the night watching perseids in the Catskills, they haven’t been ruled overmuch by spontaneously showing up.She hasn’t asked for a key and he hasn’t given her one and she really has no recourse but to stand there, staring up. 

“Midge?” 

Eventually, he draws her attention from where she was trying and failing to see stars in the city.She redirects smoothly, in spite of the uptick of her heart, and looks at him as he closes the few remaining steps between them.

Other than the play, it may be the longest stretch of silence between them.This time, though, she’s watching him.He’s so handsome, so confident, such a good foil for her that way.But now, even in evening, he looks a little trepidatious in his approach.  He also looks like he's coming from work.

“Are you okay?” He finally asks.She nods, and it may be that nod that starts the motor on her mouth.The world may never know. 

“Yes.It’s been… a day.And we need to talk.May I come up?”His hands makes a circular gesture, a _go ahead_ and lands on the small of her back as she goes up the stairs.It’s not an overly intrusive gesture, but he’s there and she appreciates it.She makes it approximately to the hallway bench and the painting by the artist whose name she can’t remember before she turns around to face him. 

“Is your father rejecting me?” He asks immediately.She shakes her head, a quick and jerky motion as she holds her hand up. 

“No,” she replies.“I mean, not no.His answer is not no.Mine might be, though.I got offered the chance to open for Shy Baldwin on his tour and I said yes without talking to anyone else about it.I leave in two weeks and I’ll be gone for six months, including some time in Europe.”

She would’ve thought he’d look like he was going to throw up onto his shoes (or, worse, hers), but he just blinks and scowls in that thoughtful way of his.She’s on the downhill side of the things she wanted to say, so she keeps going.

“Six months is longer than we’ve even known each other, and I realized today I’m not the Jello mold kind of woman anymore.Don’t get me wrong, I can successfully make a Jello mold, but I don’t think I want to.So if that’s what you’re expecting with a _yes_ from both my father and from me, I don’t think I can do it.I don’t _want_ to, in spite of the other details.” 

“What other details?” He asks, his posture a little deflated as he folds his arms. 

“You think I’m spectacular.And I think you’re incredible.And you know about everything because I’ve told you about it and you’ve accepted it.You’ve seen me perform, and you don’t give me any material for my act, so you’re not offended by my act and…” 

“Midge, can I tell you a secret?” He says, rather abruptly, but his voice low and amused.His voice isn’t quite panicking like his face was a little and she’s glad.She might be panicking a little, though, still unsure how this is all going to turn out.She nods.“I really don’t like Jello.Adding fruit to it and making it a shape only makes that worse.Don’t get me started on involving whipped cream. I didn’t start planning to ask you to marry me because I want Jello molds.”

She lets out a breathy laugh.“So what are you saying?” 

“I’m saying…. a heads up might have been nice, but that’s what you’re giving me now so I’m not going to complain.And you’re in person, you haven’t left yet, so that means we can kiss on it, whatever _it_ is.”He steps closer to her.“Did you think you touring as a comedienne would be a deal breaker for me?Or is it a deal breaker for you?” 

She presses her lips together and steps closer to him.“I guess I did, about you.If we’re married, I have to be all in.That’s just how I am, an all-in sort of girl.So I figured that’s how you are, too.” 

He shakes his head.“My job is pretty demanding.Sometimes I have to be all-in there,so I guess that makes me an all-in sorta guy.”His hands trace over her arms because they’re standing close enough for that to be possible.“And it may not be my place to say it, but a tour with Shy Baldwin is a really big deal and I’m proud of you.You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.” 

“I hope not,” she deadpans.“I want them to live to see the second act.” 

“I want us to, too,” he says.“I’ll wait.Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can wait to marry you. I want you and you have to go do this.” 

“What if you wait a long time?” She asks. 

“As long as you call me, collect if you have to, and I get to see you sometimes… I can do that.”

She still looks sad, and she shakes her head.“I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me.If you want a wife and children and all that jazz, you should find someone who can give you those things.” 

He shrugs.“I want _you_ and whatever you can give.That’s all.It’s enough. _You_ are enough.” 

She isn’t entirely sure what to do with that.She’s never been told she’s _enough_ , she’s always been told she’s too much — too shallow, too aggressive, too bawdy.It makes it difficult, in a good way, to hear she’s enough.He doesn’t want a placeholder wife and obligatory babies, he wants _her_. 

“I kissed Joel.” _That will make you take it all back, won’t it?_ That and her compulsive need to be honest with him are the only plausible reasons she throws that out there.  It comes out at the rate of a blurt because she can't control her mouth.

“This is not news, especially because you used the past tense. I figured, at some point, you had kissed.” He sighs and sets a thoughtful glance on her. “Do you want to kiss him again?” 

“No,” she admits.“I guess I was just looking for something familiar.So much is happening so fast.” 

“And you love it,” he finishes. 

“I do.And I love… you.”She’s not really hesitating, but it isn’t something they’ve often said to each other during their fledgling relationship.It doesn’t just roll off her tongue like the perfect eyeliner advice might. 

In fact, it doesn’t roll off his tongue either, but he finds other ways to express himself.He may not be the man with the words, but he definitely has his methods.There really is no denying his power or his clarity.He’s a grown man, which is probably what she should’ve been looking for all along.

Why is life all or nothing?

“Then I better cooperate,” he agrees, moving closer.“Not a lot of people love me.I hear I’m kind of difficult.”

She presses her lips together in an attempt not to smile.“Maybe a little, but it takes one to know one.” 

“We’ll figure this out.Just don’t forget about me.”The teasing has faded and his voice is deep and serious.  His eyes are deep and serious, too, and they are something she would like to maybe explore at some point, if he really doesn't mind holding or waiting or maybe even meeting her in the middle. 

He may have been down on the list of people she told, but she can definitely promise she won’t forget.She’s always had a mind like a steel trap.She doesn’t forget anything. 

Sometimes it seems like a burden, a trial that she can’t be blissfully, willfully ignorant anymore.In moments like this, though, she’s okay with it.She always wants to remember this, and not so she can talk about it on a stage, but so she knows she has something to come back to, you know, eventually.  

Or, like she thought, they can meet somewhere.  The middle may not work, but they can meet somewhere sunny and bright and she can reintroduce him to her Mamie Van Doren.


End file.
